Alex Zane, aged 27. Sidney soon wins a prize for his awesome contribution to the dance floor - a crate of Volvic. To give him his due, he lifts it up in proper wrestling fashion - not bad considering it's got to weight a bit.
We love secret things, especially when the secret things in question give us an excuse to go and spend lunch in the sunshine instead of at our computer. Revving up for the Volvic Lovebox Weekender this weekend, Volvic have organised a little event in the gardens next to Embankment Tube station called the Volvic Lunchbox. Aha! Clever. Anyway, you could only find out where it was by clicking your heels together three times or something, but judging by the motley crew of OAPs, lunchtime office workers, tourists and students gathered around the bandstand, it didn't really matter because people were there anyway. We really like free stuff as well, and that they're giving out loads of bottles of that fruity water stuff they do which is delicious. Maybe if we say "Volvic's fruity water stuff is delicious and officially sanctioned by Aloud Festivals" they'll send us a crate which would be very nice. Ooh look, Alex Zane's hosting, in a smart waistcoat. Well done him.
Penny Broadhurst: hip-hop poet with rrrrrage16 Jul 2006
Yes, we're back in the Poetry Tent: it seems we just can't keep away from long words and harassed middle-class people broadening their accents in an attempt to appear real. Oh hang on, Penny Broadhurst has just been very funny and very rude about exactly that. Ooh, it's rather good - we do like vitriol and there's plenty of it here, along with passion and some clever wordplay that makes you think without having to engage in beard stroking at the same time. Thank God.
His cuddly musical majesty Mitch Benn is sporting leather trousers. Considering the gasping heat outside, this is an idea that smacks of foolishness. Mercifully, his set is heavier on stand-up and his satirical songs than the godawful waffle that's screwed up the current series of his Radio 4 show 'Crimes Against Music' - 'Everything Sounds Like Coldplay Now' goes down a treat, and 'The Boyband Song' is as inspired as ever. The music's spot on, the lyrics are hilarious - God, you have to love him. At least a bit. Check out the lyrics.
Do you think we'll get in trouble for having a kid picture up here? Even if it is the back of her head. Oh well, she's watching Nathan Evans say "C***" quite a lot, so she's probably unshockable. This is Puppetry of the Pops part 1, a musical inspired by Smiths songs for Casio keyboards and weird puppets. So far there has been an angry ogre, attempted suicide in a tower block and some magic baked beans. Awesome.
We would like to offer our services to Grandadbob as a glockenspiel player. Having played the demanding Sugarplum Fairy solo in our school orchestra ten years ago, we feel fully prepared for the rigours of excessive wig-outery and joy that a life in the band would entail. Oh, and they were in the Style section of the Sunday Times the other week and that's, like, our dream. Not that we're shallow. But we are.
Having set our alarm late last night to see The Trap only to throw it across the tent and go straight back to sleep, we were very proud of ourselves for drinking enough to actually motor through to this late hour of the morning. At least, we were until we fell asleep in the set before they came on and woke up right at the end. If anyone can explain exactly what The Trap are doing in this picture, that would be tremendous.
The Sainsbury's Basics version of Barbara Cartland, novelist Danielle Steel turns out to have written some truly abysmal poetry as well as some of the worst romances this side of Mills and Boon. To whit, Robin Ince (him off Radio 4) recites it, Martin White (him off The Culture Show) plays some atmospheric accordion, and Neil Edmond (him from The Consultants) turns it into an interpretive dance. It's hilarious and horrific at the same time, probably more of the latter because we're quite drunk by now and getting very confused. Someone needs to kill Danielle Steel. Or at least teach her about punctuation.
